Marriage: Saving the Family

In every marriage, there is an undeniable need for compromise. It doesn't matter if you're white, gay, straight, black, or even blue, your partner isn't YOU! Since you aren't the same person, that means that you guys are eventually going to come across a problem that you need to compromise on. One of the main characteristics of failing marriages includes a lack of influence from either partner or rather, a lack of compromise. To test out my own willingness toward compromise, my husband and I took an exercise from Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  We played the Gottman Island Survival game (p. 133-136). The game forces you to choose ten items from a list of a ship's inventory to survive with on a deserted island. The ten items you choose and then ten items your spouse choose will inevitably be different, and so the game allows you to see things from your partner's perspective, and come up with a combined list of 10...

A large misconception upon entering marriage is the belief that getting married will solve all of a person's problems. This belief is unequivocally false, as seen by many divorced couples, or even happily married couples. Marriage isn't for the selfish; it's for the selfless. Goddard, in "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," explains that “love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests” (Goddard, p. 70). Even though some problems could be solved by having a partner to help you through it, it doesn't mean that this kind of partnership can come automatically. Goddard adds that this kind of attitude, “assumes that my needs are to be met-and my spouse must do whatever is necessary to assure that they are met” (Goddard, p. 69). This couldn't be further from the truth. We should want, first and foremost, for our spouses to be happy above ourselves. In h...

"When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen" (Gottman, 2015, p. 103). Possibly one of the hardest parts of being in a marriage is coping with your partner's negative emotions. This responsibility doesn't necessarily become a burden, but it definitely contributes to the shared stress of the relationship. Stopping to listen to our partners when they are in pain, can show our love for them. It is essentially telling them "I love you, I am here for you, and nothing else matters to me as much as you do." In his bestseller, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," Dr. John Gottman suggests some ways to help our partner get through hard times: 1. "Acknowledge the difficulty" (p. 104). By acknowledging the difficulty of the situation, we are validating that our partner isn't dumb for being worried about something. Knowing and accepting that our partner is going through a hard time is the first step on the road toward h...

How much do we take for granted when it comes to loving and appreciating our spouse? One of the weirder things that can be experienced in a marriage is learning something new about your spouse. We think that we know everything about them, and then they surprise us with something new. This can be good, this can be bad, but overall, this can cause misunderstandings within each other's "love maps." Dr. John Gottman (2015) explained love maps as "that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" (p. 54, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"). When it comes to our spouses, all information should be relevant! Knowing what is important about your partner's life isn't the only requirement for having a great marriage. Having regular conversations about hopes, fears wants, and needs can help to expand our love maps. Applying what I had learned, and utilizing Dr. Gottman's Love Map ...

In almost every case, marriage typically ends because of affairs, or because needs aren't being fulfilled anymore. In any case, we tend to point fingers at people when relationships end. It's interesting to note that these kinds of failed marriages have a common thread; they all were dying marriages long before any kind of mistake took place. "The four horsemen of the [marriage] apocalypse," coined by Dr. John Gottman, can indicate the presence of an unhealthy marriage/ dying marriage before it's too late to save. By avoiding these four horsemen, couples can work together to make their marriage as strong as possible, and protect their marriage from divorce. The four horsemen that Dr. John Gottman warns of are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. There are important distinctions to make when it comes to what these four horsemen actually are. There can be a lot of confusion among some of these items. First, "criticizing your partner is d...

In an ever-changing world with ever-changing standards, I'm thankful for an unchanging God, who has given us our divine potentials and purposes in this world. Among all things, the family is central to our Heavenly Father's plan. How fitting, then, is it that a man and a woman are the only ones who can procreate? There is a reason that Adam and Eve came into the world at each other's side, rather than as individuals or in same-sex couples. There are strengths and blessings that come with being an opposite-gendered couple. Most importantly, our potentials cannot be reached without being within a man-woman marriage. “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation… For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary” (Bednar, David A. (June 2006). “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan.” Ensign.). It is comforting to know that we a...

The first way we can understand how to defend marriage is to understand the threats presented in today's world. In the 2015 Supreme Court case, Obergefell v. Hodges, gay marriage was legalized. It's not like this in it of itself is a bad thing. After all, in a world where its people are entitled to their most basic civil rights, it should probably be expected that a gay couple can get married. What is the real issue, then?  It sure seems like supporters of man-woman marriage are on the wrong side of history. The issue isn't one of "gay people are evil." No. The real issue here is that men can't be mothers, nor can women be fathers. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that "the family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (Paragraph 8). T...