Weathering Our Partner's Storms
"When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen" (Gottman, 2015, p. 103). Possibly one of the hardest parts of being in a marriage is coping with your partner's negative emotions. This responsibility doesn't necessarily become a burden, but it definitely contributes to the shared stress of the relationship. Stopping to listen to our partners when they are in pain, can show our love for them. It is essentially telling them "I love you, I am here for you, and nothing else matters to me as much as you do."
In his bestseller, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," Dr. John Gottman suggests some ways to help our partner get through hard times:
1. "Acknowledge the difficulty" (p. 104). By acknowledging the difficulty of the situation, we are validating that our partner isn't dumb for being worried about something. Knowing and accepting that our partner is going through a hard time is the first step on the road toward helping them. Making the effort to connect with them on why their situation is difficult, can increase their willingness to bounce back from the pain.
2. "Self-soothe" (p. 104). We can self-soothe and reduce the overall tension of a situation by focusing on calming ourselves down in the process. It can certainly be stressful to watch a loved-one experience hardship. This is especially true if we don't know how to help them. One of the best ways we can help is to remain calm. It's a lot easier to calm down when those around you are also calm.
3. "Remember: the goal is understanding" (p. 104). The main reason we listen to our spouse's problems is to understand what they are going through. Our partner may not want our help right away, and that's okay. As long as we are willing to listen to them and what they have to say, and make efforts to understand where they're coming from, we are fulfilling our responsibility.
4. "Use exploratory statements and open-ended questions" (p. 104). The main purpose of exploratory statements and open-ended questions is to get our partner talking about what is really bothering them. By using exploratory statements and open-ended questions, we show our interest in our partner and encourage them to share more about whatever is causing them pain or stress.
5. "Don't ask 'Why?'" (p. 105). When we ask our partner "Why?" it can come off as critical and judgmental. It also makes it sound like we don't want to put a lot of effort into understanding where our partner is coming from. Instead of asking "Why?", we can ask a better question to get the details we are looking for.
6. "Bear Witness" (p. 105). By bearing witness of our partner's hard times, we are essentially letting them know that they are important to us, and we will respect and try our best to understand the situation they are in. Part of this is confirming with your partner that your understanding is the same, or at least similar to, their understanding of the problem.
7. "Use your partner's metaphors" (p. 106). This can be another way of bearing witness, but it's mainly about reflecting our spouse's feelings. If they feel like they are broken, then we can help them be put back together again, so long as we know where they are coming from.
It can definitely be difficult to support our partner through hard times, but I know that when we come to Christ together, He can help both of us to help one another. I have a true testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ and His ability to detect our needs. If we are in tune with the spirit, we can better help our spouse when they are in need. I love my husband. I love the way that we make up for each other's differences. We sometimes struggle with turning toward one another when we are in pain, but as imperfect as we are, I know that Christ can help us to make up that difference.
In his bestseller, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," Dr. John Gottman suggests some ways to help our partner get through hard times:
1. "Acknowledge the difficulty" (p. 104). By acknowledging the difficulty of the situation, we are validating that our partner isn't dumb for being worried about something. Knowing and accepting that our partner is going through a hard time is the first step on the road toward helping them. Making the effort to connect with them on why their situation is difficult, can increase their willingness to bounce back from the pain.
2. "Self-soothe" (p. 104). We can self-soothe and reduce the overall tension of a situation by focusing on calming ourselves down in the process. It can certainly be stressful to watch a loved-one experience hardship. This is especially true if we don't know how to help them. One of the best ways we can help is to remain calm. It's a lot easier to calm down when those around you are also calm.
3. "Remember: the goal is understanding" (p. 104). The main reason we listen to our spouse's problems is to understand what they are going through. Our partner may not want our help right away, and that's okay. As long as we are willing to listen to them and what they have to say, and make efforts to understand where they're coming from, we are fulfilling our responsibility.
4. "Use exploratory statements and open-ended questions" (p. 104). The main purpose of exploratory statements and open-ended questions is to get our partner talking about what is really bothering them. By using exploratory statements and open-ended questions, we show our interest in our partner and encourage them to share more about whatever is causing them pain or stress.
5. "Don't ask 'Why?'" (p. 105). When we ask our partner "Why?" it can come off as critical and judgmental. It also makes it sound like we don't want to put a lot of effort into understanding where our partner is coming from. Instead of asking "Why?", we can ask a better question to get the details we are looking for.
6. "Bear Witness" (p. 105). By bearing witness of our partner's hard times, we are essentially letting them know that they are important to us, and we will respect and try our best to understand the situation they are in. Part of this is confirming with your partner that your understanding is the same, or at least similar to, their understanding of the problem.
7. "Use your partner's metaphors" (p. 106). This can be another way of bearing witness, but it's mainly about reflecting our spouse's feelings. If they feel like they are broken, then we can help them be put back together again, so long as we know where they are coming from.
It can definitely be difficult to support our partner through hard times, but I know that when we come to Christ together, He can help both of us to help one another. I have a true testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ and His ability to detect our needs. If we are in tune with the spirit, we can better help our spouse when they are in need. I love my husband. I love the way that we make up for each other's differences. We sometimes struggle with turning toward one another when we are in pain, but as imperfect as we are, I know that Christ can help us to make up that difference.
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