The Adversaries of Conflict
In every marriage, there is an undeniable need for compromise. It doesn't matter if you're white, gay, straight, black, or even blue, your partner isn't YOU! Since you aren't the same person, that means that you guys are eventually going to come across a problem that you need to compromise on. One of the main characteristics of failing marriages includes a lack of influence from either partner or rather, a lack of compromise.
To test out my own willingness toward compromise, my husband and I took an exercise from Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We played the Gottman Island Survival game (p. 133-136). The game forces you to choose ten items from a list of a ship's inventory to survive with on a deserted island. The ten items you choose and then ten items your spouse choose will inevitably be different, and so the game allows you to see things from your partner's perspective, and come up with a combined list of 10 items that will allow your survival together on the island until help comes.
In this exercise, we learned that we worked well together as a team. Although there were many similar items that we agreed on prior to working together, it was fun to see the different ideas we had. I was inspired by how our individual differences could lead us to make better, more informed decisions through our different perspectives. More importantly, we found that it was easy to be influenced by one another because of our past experiences with one another.
In the past, I have definitely struggled with accepting influence from my spouse. It is hard to trust your spouse with everything when you're just starting out. It's a lot easier to take everything your parents say at face value. Sometimes it feels like we have to choose between our spouse and the world. It doesn't have to be this way though. Sometimes our spouse can be wrong. They're only human, after all. All we need to do is accept their influence. We should let them know that we appreciate their opinion, their advice, and the things that they do for us, but in the end, our decision is our decision.
Later on his book, Dr. John Gottman talks about the keys to managing conflict:
1. "Negative emotions are important" (p. 157). Negative emotions help us to get to the real issues hidden under the iceberg of a problem. It is possible to share negative emotions without being critical of one another, though. When we acknowledge the importance of negative emotions, we can accept that it's okay that our partner feels bad.
2. "No one is right" (p. 157). Everyone is equipped with different perceptions and experiences. Everyone has different life views. No one can be absolutely correct in an argument. No one's feelings are invalid. No one is right in a conflict. In most cases, both partners are to blame in some way or another.
3. "Acceptance is crucial" (p. 157). It's hard to open up to someone who doesn't accept or believe in anything you say. The very first step to properly dealing with conflict is to love and accept your partner despite the conflict. "Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or makes love, you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned" (p. 157). When we accept our partner, we can help them to understand and accept our own influence through our own love and care for them.
4. "Focus on fondness and admiration" (p. 158). A strong relationship is built on strong love for one another. If the relationship itself is waining, it might be because the foundation is a little cracked. Focusing on the foundation of loving one another, especially unconditionally, can significantly improve the lifespan of a failing marriage, even turn it from a seemingly doomed path.
It's okay if your spouse is a little bit flawed. It's okay if you are a little bit flawed. If both partners focus on their love for one another, the relationship itself can be strengthened, and conflict won't be as much of an issue.
To test out my own willingness toward compromise, my husband and I took an exercise from Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We played the Gottman Island Survival game (p. 133-136). The game forces you to choose ten items from a list of a ship's inventory to survive with on a deserted island. The ten items you choose and then ten items your spouse choose will inevitably be different, and so the game allows you to see things from your partner's perspective, and come up with a combined list of 10 items that will allow your survival together on the island until help comes.
In this exercise, we learned that we worked well together as a team. Although there were many similar items that we agreed on prior to working together, it was fun to see the different ideas we had. I was inspired by how our individual differences could lead us to make better, more informed decisions through our different perspectives. More importantly, we found that it was easy to be influenced by one another because of our past experiences with one another.
In the past, I have definitely struggled with accepting influence from my spouse. It is hard to trust your spouse with everything when you're just starting out. It's a lot easier to take everything your parents say at face value. Sometimes it feels like we have to choose between our spouse and the world. It doesn't have to be this way though. Sometimes our spouse can be wrong. They're only human, after all. All we need to do is accept their influence. We should let them know that we appreciate their opinion, their advice, and the things that they do for us, but in the end, our decision is our decision.
1. "Negative emotions are important" (p. 157). Negative emotions help us to get to the real issues hidden under the iceberg of a problem. It is possible to share negative emotions without being critical of one another, though. When we acknowledge the importance of negative emotions, we can accept that it's okay that our partner feels bad.
2. "No one is right" (p. 157). Everyone is equipped with different perceptions and experiences. Everyone has different life views. No one can be absolutely correct in an argument. No one's feelings are invalid. No one is right in a conflict. In most cases, both partners are to blame in some way or another.
3. "Acceptance is crucial" (p. 157). It's hard to open up to someone who doesn't accept or believe in anything you say. The very first step to properly dealing with conflict is to love and accept your partner despite the conflict. "Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or makes love, you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned" (p. 157). When we accept our partner, we can help them to understand and accept our own influence through our own love and care for them.
4. "Focus on fondness and admiration" (p. 158). A strong relationship is built on strong love for one another. If the relationship itself is waining, it might be because the foundation is a little cracked. Focusing on the foundation of loving one another, especially unconditionally, can significantly improve the lifespan of a failing marriage, even turn it from a seemingly doomed path.
It's okay if your spouse is a little bit flawed. It's okay if you are a little bit flawed. If both partners focus on their love for one another, the relationship itself can be strengthened, and conflict won't be as much of an issue.
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