What Makes The Heart Break?

In almost every case, marriage typically ends because of affairs, or because needs aren't being fulfilled anymore. In any case, we tend to point fingers at people when relationships end. It's interesting to note that these kinds of failed marriages have a common thread; they all were dying marriages long before any kind of mistake took place. "The four horsemen of the [marriage] apocalypse," coined by Dr. John Gottman, can indicate the presence of an unhealthy marriage/ dying marriage before it's too late to save. By avoiding these four horsemen, couples can work together to make their marriage as strong as possible, and protect their marriage from divorce.

The four horsemen that Dr. John Gottman warns of are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

There are important distinctions to make when it comes to what these four horsemen actually are. There can be a lot of confusion among some of these items. First, "criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize"(Lissitsa, Ellie. (2013). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling." Gottman.com/blog).

Contempt is different from criticism. It isn't just talking down to your partner, but it is explaining away their own feelings and actions for them. Even more so than that, it is similar to conversations that one-up each other's bad days. Example: "You think you had a bad day? That's nothing compared to my bad day!"

Defensiveness, the third horseman, is typically a poor response to criticism, complaints, or sometimes even contempt. The defensive horseman plays the victim and then throws the blame back at the other person. These people deny responsibility for their own actions.

Lastly, stonewalling is a general response to contempt. "Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors" (Lissitsa, Ellie. (2013). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling." Gottman.com/blog). People who stonewall try to avoid issues rather than solve them.

"You are not supposed to be on opposite sides of a wrestling ring, ready to tear each other apart over the smallest inconvenience. You are supposed to be collaborating. You are supposed to be working together to build the best future possible, not only for your relationship as a whole, but for the two of you as individuals" (Riordan, Holly. (2018). "You should be fighting for each other, not against each other." Thought Catalog.)

In my own life, I'd say that I've struggled with defensiveness the most. It is hard for me to be able to tell criticism from critiques and complaints. My husband has worked with me on that, and he usually reminds me that we are on the same team and that he is trying to help me be better, just as I am trying to help him to be better.

What I love the most about the four horsemen is that they aren't just warning signs of a dying marriage, but they are warning signs for bad communication, and possibly a dying friendship. Fighting against these horsemen, in any case, can strengthen our relationships with others, and help us to become better, more respectful, people. 

If we not only avoid the horsemen but actively fight against them, with our partner's help, then we can save our own marriages from "falling out of love". I know that when we work together instead of against each other, we can accomplish more for ourselves, for our partners, for our children, and even for our community.