How to Stop Working Against Yourself and Your Kids
In Dr. Haim G. Ginott's book, Between Parent and Child, he reminds us that "there's no right way to do a wrong thing" (p. 58). While discussing the impact of self-defeating behaviors, Dr. Ginott demonstrates the importance of careful and critical parenting.
Threats
It's hard (if not impossible) not to think of elephants when someone threatens you to stop thinking of elephants. We're inviting our kids to break the rules and test contingencies when we give them threats. Warnings are possibly the worst thing you can do for your kid. Warnings of consequences are easily ignored and almost ensures that unwanted behavior will ensue.
A better alternative to offering threats is to offer alternatives. It's a lot easier to think about something else when we are encouraged to do so. Introducing an incompatible behavior than the undesired behavior will irradicate the need for threats. If our kid is rewarded for thinking about anything but elephants, and we encourage him to think about snails, then they are going to think about snails instead of elephants!
Bribes
Bribes never create long-lasting change. It's simply against their nature. They only encourage the implementation of extrinsic motivation. If I bribe my kid to do their laundry, they will only do their laundry if I'm offering them something in return. Now they'll never do the laundry for themselves.
Bribes are extremely harmful. Not only do they set up future expectations of reward, but they create an entitled mindset. What's the point of doing anything if I'm not offered anything in return? The rewards gained from a bribe aren't that valuable. They are seen as earned. This isn't to say that rewards are bad. They just shouldn't be offered or given before the behavior is done. When rewards represent recognition and appreciation for doing a task, they can be very helpful.
Promises
By making a promise with our children, we devalue our word. Simply put, our kids remember the word promise. We imply that we aren't to be trusted if our word isn't promised. This may not be true, but it can be assumed by our kids.
In most cases, our kids aren't mature enough to be making promises anyways. By using promises, we encourage our kids to make their own promises. This encourages them to do something that they may not have the maturity to do. It can also encourage lying when promises are not fulfilled.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm can be hard to understand for kids. It can make them feel stupid when they don't get it. It invites a negative attitude toward the atmosphere. Worse than that, it invites counter-attacks. If a kid feels misunderstood or attacked by sarcasm, they will be sure to fight back.
A sarcastic attitude isn't nice. It aims to insult the intelligence. When we make sarcastic comments to our children, we devalue their status. We essentially say that they can't understand, and that makes us better than them. It's just plain rude. It's hard to learn when you feel attacked.
Verbal overkill
Nobody likes listening to nagging or lectures, especially when they already know the content of that lecture. It can be easy to repeat ourselves when we're angry. Stating the obvious never really helped anyone. We encourage our kids to stop listening when we treat them like they don't know right from wrong.
By being brief, and using humor to calm tense situations, we can prevent arguments with our kids. We can choose to trust that our kids know what is right and that they don't need a lecture to be better. It's hard to sit back and watch when you're fuming about what they're doing, but often humor can deescalate that rage.
Sometimes being brief means being silent. Our kids should be able to make their own decisions. Sometimes our silence says more than our words ever could. Our kids will make the right decision when we reflect their feelings of uncertainty.
Sermon on lying and stealing
Lying and stealing are flat out wrong. No one really doubts this. Our kids can have some rough run-ins with these situations though. It's just part of development. If no one struggled with the differences between right and wrong, or want and need, there would be no sin. Being patient is, or should be, key in dealing with these situations.
We should never put our kids in situations that encourage lying. Don't ask questions that you already know the answer to; it'll only make you madder if your kid lies. Nobody likes to be interrogated. Encourage the bitter truth, and never punish that truth.
Stealing is hard to take ownership of. Pun intended. Avoid the drama surrounding it all. Any increase in shame can be damaging. Have them admit to it, and return what they stole. Just because your kid stole something doesn't make them a thief or a liar.
Rude teaching of politeness
Being polite when teaching how to be polite is pivotal. Being polite isn't a personality trait. It's a skill that can be acquired by anyone, regardless of age. By labeling our kids as impolite, we discourage the growth of the skill of being polite.
It's extremely contradictory when parents yell at their kids to be polite. The best way to teach your kids to be polite is to lead by example. By being polite as we teach politeness, we can practice what we preach. As much as they hate to admit it, our kids want to be like us.
Don't Contradict Yourself
The things that Dr. Ginott brings up are self-defeating. Not only can they be useless, but they can be damaging. By evaluating how we use these techniques, and deciding whether we should continue using them, we are being critical and careful. As parents, we want the best for our children. Shouldn't our parenting be the best, or at least the best for our child?
Threats
It's hard (if not impossible) not to think of elephants when someone threatens you to stop thinking of elephants. We're inviting our kids to break the rules and test contingencies when we give them threats. Warnings are possibly the worst thing you can do for your kid. Warnings of consequences are easily ignored and almost ensures that unwanted behavior will ensue.
A better alternative to offering threats is to offer alternatives. It's a lot easier to think about something else when we are encouraged to do so. Introducing an incompatible behavior than the undesired behavior will irradicate the need for threats. If our kid is rewarded for thinking about anything but elephants, and we encourage him to think about snails, then they are going to think about snails instead of elephants!
Bribes
Bribes never create long-lasting change. It's simply against their nature. They only encourage the implementation of extrinsic motivation. If I bribe my kid to do their laundry, they will only do their laundry if I'm offering them something in return. Now they'll never do the laundry for themselves.
Bribes are extremely harmful. Not only do they set up future expectations of reward, but they create an entitled mindset. What's the point of doing anything if I'm not offered anything in return? The rewards gained from a bribe aren't that valuable. They are seen as earned. This isn't to say that rewards are bad. They just shouldn't be offered or given before the behavior is done. When rewards represent recognition and appreciation for doing a task, they can be very helpful.
Promises
By making a promise with our children, we devalue our word. Simply put, our kids remember the word promise. We imply that we aren't to be trusted if our word isn't promised. This may not be true, but it can be assumed by our kids.
In most cases, our kids aren't mature enough to be making promises anyways. By using promises, we encourage our kids to make their own promises. This encourages them to do something that they may not have the maturity to do. It can also encourage lying when promises are not fulfilled.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm can be hard to understand for kids. It can make them feel stupid when they don't get it. It invites a negative attitude toward the atmosphere. Worse than that, it invites counter-attacks. If a kid feels misunderstood or attacked by sarcasm, they will be sure to fight back.
A sarcastic attitude isn't nice. It aims to insult the intelligence. When we make sarcastic comments to our children, we devalue their status. We essentially say that they can't understand, and that makes us better than them. It's just plain rude. It's hard to learn when you feel attacked.
Verbal overkill
Nobody likes listening to nagging or lectures, especially when they already know the content of that lecture. It can be easy to repeat ourselves when we're angry. Stating the obvious never really helped anyone. We encourage our kids to stop listening when we treat them like they don't know right from wrong.
By being brief, and using humor to calm tense situations, we can prevent arguments with our kids. We can choose to trust that our kids know what is right and that they don't need a lecture to be better. It's hard to sit back and watch when you're fuming about what they're doing, but often humor can deescalate that rage.
Sometimes being brief means being silent. Our kids should be able to make their own decisions. Sometimes our silence says more than our words ever could. Our kids will make the right decision when we reflect their feelings of uncertainty.
Sermon on lying and stealing
Lying and stealing are flat out wrong. No one really doubts this. Our kids can have some rough run-ins with these situations though. It's just part of development. If no one struggled with the differences between right and wrong, or want and need, there would be no sin. Being patient is, or should be, key in dealing with these situations.
We should never put our kids in situations that encourage lying. Don't ask questions that you already know the answer to; it'll only make you madder if your kid lies. Nobody likes to be interrogated. Encourage the bitter truth, and never punish that truth.
Stealing is hard to take ownership of. Pun intended. Avoid the drama surrounding it all. Any increase in shame can be damaging. Have them admit to it, and return what they stole. Just because your kid stole something doesn't make them a thief or a liar.
Rude teaching of politeness
Being polite when teaching how to be polite is pivotal. Being polite isn't a personality trait. It's a skill that can be acquired by anyone, regardless of age. By labeling our kids as impolite, we discourage the growth of the skill of being polite.
It's extremely contradictory when parents yell at their kids to be polite. The best way to teach your kids to be polite is to lead by example. By being polite as we teach politeness, we can practice what we preach. As much as they hate to admit it, our kids want to be like us.
Don't Contradict Yourself
The things that Dr. Ginott brings up are self-defeating. Not only can they be useless, but they can be damaging. By evaluating how we use these techniques, and deciding whether we should continue using them, we are being critical and careful. As parents, we want the best for our children. Shouldn't our parenting be the best, or at least the best for our child?
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