Gridlock in Wedlock

When dealing with perpetual problems in a marriage, gridlock will eventually be achieved unless each person's dreams are fully realized. In Dr. John Gottman's The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, he explains that gridlocks are caused by conflicting dreams.  Not every marriage encounters gridlocks, but it's extremely likely when personalities contradict one another.


Dr. John Gottman gives four qualifiers to whether a gridlock has been encountered:
1. "You've had the same argument again and again with no resolution"
2. "Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection" 
3. "The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on"
4. "Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out"

It seems hopeless when gridlock in a relationship has been achieved, but Dr. Gottman reminds us that "you don't have to solve the problem to get past gridlock" (p. 237). The perpetual problem never goes away, but it doesn't ever get to the point where it's ruining the marriage itself. I'm thankful that these perpetual problems don't need a solution! Isn't it wonderful that compromise can help us get through the situation, without a required loss?

Both partners in a relationship have different natures. It makes sense that those natures would lead to different dreams. No dream is wrong, and no dream is right. Dreams are just that. Dreams. The main thing Dr. Gottman suggests in regard to these dreams is uncovering hidden dreams, and respecting one another's dreams.

Respecting one another's dreams should come naturally if there is already a strong established friendship in place between the couple. By following Gottman's other principles, such as compromise and accepting influence, it should be relatively easy to respect one another's dreams. Uncovering dreams can be difficult because sometimes your partner might not know what their dream is. The dream doesn't have to be something big. It might even be for things to be the same.

In the movie Wreck-It Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet, the main conflict of the main characters Ralph and Venelope is that they have conflicting dreams. Ralph wants everything to stay the same, while Venelope wants to break the mold. Even though their friendship is true, they learn to respect one another's dreams, fully knowing that they can't attain both simultaneously.

One of the things I love most about my spouse is that we seem to have the same dreams. Not every relationship reaches a point like Ralph and Venelope's did, but individual differences can certainly get the best of people. One thing my spouse and I frequently remind one another is that we both can be right, even if those ideas seem to be conflicting. It's just up to choosing which right answer you want to choose. The important part is that whatever we choose, we choose together.

I know that when we work together to respect one another's dreams, we can fulfill them a lot easier than we could on our own. Gridlock doesn't have to break up a relationship. It can give the people in the relationship the opportunity to grow and learn from the experience of coming to solutions or finding new ways to respect one another's dreams.

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